How To Ensure You’ll Never Get a Girlfriend

Based on a true story.

1. Say hi to a girl your friend has told you is single. Ignore the “not looking” part she added.
2. Text the girl every day after you meet. Friendly, yes, but a bit full-on. Invite her out everywhere you go, and don’t try to mask your disappointment that she has other commitments.
3. After finally arranging to meet, arrive an hour and twenty minutes late. You made her buy her own drinks and look like a weird, lonely twat in the pub. Good. Her confidence will be shot, so she’ll be easier to charm.
4. Move your barstool right up next to her, pinning her between yourself and the wall, and give her no personal space at all. Some would call that creepy, but you just want to make your intentions clear, right?
5. Talk at great length and detail about your job as a teaching assistant, making it out to be far more important than it is. You don’t make lesson plans, you don’t decide school policy, and from the way you drone on with yourself, it’s easy to see why. But don’t let that stop you, my friend!
6. VERY IMPORTANT: Don’t let her get a word in edgeways. You are brilliant, and she should be grateful to be in your company. Why would you want to know anything about her, anyway?
7. Later on, in a crowded space, start feeling her up. Smooth. That bristling sensation you’re getting from her indicates how turned on she is.
8. Be shocked when you move in to kiss her and she backs away. How dare she? You put in all this effort to make sure she knew you wanted to get your end away, and she doesn’t put out? Outrageous!
9. Complain at length to the friend who “set you up” with this cocktease. You are worth much more than this. You are eloquent and charming. She’s just some unemployed down-and-out. You have every right to be offended. When did getting a girlfriend become so hard? Poor you.
10. Face-message the girl with a trite “no hard feelings, hope we can still be friends” spiel. Endearing!
11. Have your eloquence fail you utterly when she replies to tell you of a recent family bereavement. Bloody hell, plebs can die? What can you say to that?
12. Be utterly mortified later on when you discover that she has Face-blocked you after you posted a long-winded anti-Islamic rant. Then again, if she’s too stupid to recognise true evil in this world, she’s probably not worth it.

(I had to make an educated guess on that last one.)